Life Lessons <i>Live!</i>

Happiness wears a clever disguise. As abstract as it is, it plays the role of a concrete, singularly defined goal set by each one of us. It is easily obtainable but, just like a drug it's peak levels never reach our heart and minds expectations. To say happiness is a cruel emotion would be a vast understatement.

That's all I guess.

Oh my god, that smell.
Spring. The longest winter I have come to experience has finally come to pass.
That smell!

I apologize in advance for this, but it doesn't matter how you cut it. For me, personally, these feelings. This beauty. Rebirth. Spring! - It is evidence enough for me that God exists. There must be a creator.

Why do we wage wars over absolutely nothing? Look outside.
Fucking smile, how lucky are we just be alive? :)

Who is this kid?

What a fucking clown. Always walkin' around like he owns the world. Who does he think he is? He's unstoppable. An average sized snowball at the top of a an enormous hill that coincidentally houses six billion people. Boundless and endless he is in his mental mindset. Nothing can rattle him. Colossal. Ideal. Simply put, this guys in the zone. In the fuckin' zone.

180 degree flip flop, yeah this kid's that hot, can't stop cause in his head he's solid as a rock, and you got to think it won't be long before this no name's on top.

His talents radiate vibrantly off of him, as if he's constantly surrounded by an enormous could of potential. He knows it. Yo, he's gettin' older too. Gettin' smarter. Ideas and experience are evaporating now at record breaking rates. The cloud's swelling, so watch where you step bitch, cause it's about to fuckin' rain.

You scared? You should be. Hey, relax. Don't kill the messenger.
Bang.

I'm no professional. Not yet.
But this shit's free, so don't bitch!

And it's good. Real good.

Sometimes you feel it, and sometimes you don't. Sometimes I'm here, and usually you're there. I like to build fictional stories inside my head. I see people, everyday. A girl, in a department store. Auditions are over, she got the lead role. Actresses cast? Just one.

I don't know her name, and probably never will. I've never heard her speak, but her voice compliments her character description so nicely that I don't even take that into account.

Okay! We've found a canvas. A blueprint, or fresh page of a coloring book. But, not quite as simple. More like, a painting kit you might find in a store. You get a black and white outline of a very detailed picture. Dolphins jumping, or something. There's a couple different sized paint brushes, and a dozen different colors of paint all strung together in very tiny, thimble-sized plastic containers. The printed picture is divided into hundreds of sections. Within each section is a number, that coincides respectively to each of the paint colors.

This is what it feels like when the Earth stands still.
I am entirely missing. Off the radar.
Gone.

I weather my own defenses. They erode over time. Weaken.
I infect my motivation. My future goals.
Everything feels very far. Detached.
Incomplete.

I am a beacon of light.
I am a beacon, sunken by sin.
I am dormant.

Oh, it's strange.
Something that I don't understand.

Just the way periods of time come and go throughout life. Phases. You know, that overall feeling of content or discontent that is currently governing your life. - They frequently change. Sometimes, I find myself in a two week period of absolute bliss. Every single hour of every single day feels promising. Smooth. The glass is half full. Even on a day that isn't quite going my way, I am not rattled. I am content with life, and view it and all it encompasses in a positive light.

And then, without warning, a shift. A disruption. Very, very subtle in the beginning. Feelings begin to mutate. Slowly, they are transformed from perfection to devestation. Catastrophe. This period always feels so much longer than the previous. Almost endless. It's like... constantly falling through an empty, pitch black abyss, without that awful roller coaster feeling in your stomach. You're frightened. Alone. Clawing at anything that feels like support.

But that fades too.

Sometimes into another period of utopia. And, the cycle is then repeated. - But other times, during strange years, you might find yourself straying into an emotionless period. Nothingness. And this can somehow be peaceful, especially if you're just recovering from that nightmare of a free fall. But you know it's not that good feeling. It's just nothing. And you'll take nothing, and absolutely love it.

For me, that's usually the summer phase. All my friends are home. I'm with the same great people every single night. And, I'm absolutely hammered literally every night. A crutch? Maybe. Or maybe, just a catalyst for nothingness. And we like nothingness, remember?

Needless to say, I haven't really drank anything since summer. - I'm gonna be twenty in April and I still haven't gone to Canada. I don't really care. It's not on my priority list. I quit smoking cigarettes almost a month ago, and I feel fucking amazing. I weighed 205 pounds in July, and I now weigh roughly 168. I play hockey 3-4 times every week, and I'm in the best shape I've been in since my junior year of high school. I have great friends, a great job, a lot of potential, and a fucking shit ton truck load of talent that I'm waiting to fucking unload onto everyone.

Basically, I'm the fucking man right now.
Call me conceited, I don't care. I don't give a fuck what you think. I don't give a fuck if you care or not. Because, right now, for the first time EVER, I'M the MOST IMPORTANT person in MY life! Nothing and no one comes before me (until I meet that next pretty girl I unintentially fall head over heals in love with...) and it's gonna stay that way until I see fit.

It felt really, really good to say that.
I'm sorry, that was slightly out of character.
I love you all. Take care of yourselves.

About two months ago, I was in the middle of an opening shift at the Starbucks I used to work at. I had left the floor to do a lobby sweep, or "twirl" as many within the company call it, which consists of wiping crumbs off tables, checking the condiment bar and bathrooms, and emptying garbage cans that are teeming with disgusting garbage. - This particular morning was very busy. People coming in and out at a consistently overwhelming pace. It's these types of mornings that truly put the employees patience and nerves to the ultimate test. If things are not run smoothly behind the counter there is a high chance of extreme meltdown. Drinks get backed up. This increases the customer's wait time. That frustrates and infuriates the customers. Baristas then, become more careless. Quality of beverage then diminishes, and it's just one huge mother fucking mess.

So, picture that scenario on this particular morning. Then, multiply it by ten thousand. Yeah, that's about right. Absolute chaos. Anarchy. People literally on the verge of choking one another just to get there non-fat latte and make it to work on time. It's utter insanity this morning.

So, I quickly step into the cafe and begin to wipe down the condiment bar and organize the different sugars and powders that people have thrown all over the place, maybe in an attempt at revenge? I don't know, doesn't matter. I just fix them. - I proceed to wipe down a few crumb covered tables that are within a close proximity to the condiment stand. I skip the bathroom. The only thing on my mind is how quickly can I return behind the line and help finish off these beverages. I'm helpless as I watch my co-workers fumble cups and spill syrups. This must be the apocalypse. That's all I can think of.

Out of the corner of my eye I see the narrow, under-sized trash can next to the door exploding with goo. Half finished drinks, pastry bags, mocha and milk all over the side of the damn thing. The floor around it is wet. Insanity. Nothing is making sense.

I sprint to door to change the bags out. After wrestling with the can for several minutes, I finally manage to pull everything out and replace it with two fresh plastic garbage bags. I do this without hesitation, knowing far well that within the next ten minutes these two new bags will meet the same terrible fate as the poor, ruined souls that I'm holding in my hands.

I spot two elderly couples walking towards the exit that I'm standing in front of. Almost instinctively I drop the infested trash bags and open the door for the four of them, holding it open as much as possible so they can easily make their way out. This is something we are not specifically trained to do, but legendary customer service is the reason that Starbucks is the undisputed worldwide champion of coffee. So, why not prove that to our customer's every time I can?

The first couple exits, followed by the second. The last one to walk out is a man. He must be the oldest of the four of them. He can't walk very well, and so he slowly hobbles through the opening. When he was completely outside the building, he stopped and turned to me. Looking me directly in the eyes at 8 in the morning, he uttered two short sentences that no one in my entire life has ever said to me.

"You do good work, son. Don't ever let anyone tell you different."

I could have cried. - I thanked him with one of my patented automated "Thank You, Sir." Just one of the thousand that I might say during a typical shift. I walked back inside and closed the door. - Suddenly it was quiet. There weren't that many people in the store. Frustration levels had fallen. The chaos had been calmed. - I slowly walked back behind the line, took a deep breath, smiled and said, "How are you miss? Can I start a beverage for you this morning?"

I will never, ever forget that day.
I will never, ever let anyone tell me different.

When you think about the world, do you feel more evil?
I always do.

Is this because we are overly-exposed to the American media, which primarily focuses on evil in the world? After all, negative news is the only kind that's entertaining. Or, is this because the world is actually corrupt? Has my generation's minds been chemically altered at a subatomic, undetectable level? - Or are we just living in a world dominated by evil motives? And, if so, does that make us evil as individuals?

Shouldn't my primary concerns be school, work, friends and personal happiness?
I wish they were. Instead I focus on all this existential bullshit. Questions that cannot be answered. Fears that are viewed as implausible, or highly unlikely. Are they? Or does society not quite understand how important they might actually be.

Why does society demand an answer for everything?
Is it impossible for something to not have a concrete answer?
Why the overwhelming skepticism? Is society that arrogant?
Or am I just that ignorant?

Why do I think about this!?
Why do I lose sleep over this!?

Shouldn't I lose sleep over personal stress? Finances? Girls?
Not Judgment Day. Not catastrophe. Not conspiracy. Not the end.

December 21st, 2012
The Winter of Sorrow.

I sure hope I'm pretty gullible.

Onward.

I have so many thoughts.
Ideas.
Questions.
Revelations.

They go unnoticed.
Untouched.
Unanswered.
Incomprehensible.

Still, onward.

We push. We all do. One step. Two steps.
Ten in the opposite direction.
Some intentional, and some not.
This formula. This is life. It is fact.
It can be cruel.

Literally, day in and day out my general thought process seems to be predominantly focused on existential (really, unimportant) matters. The more I think about it, the more I realize how absolutely unnecessary we are. People, that is. Human beings, and everything we encompass. Either, (a) there is ultimately a greater meaning behind all of this that our capacities in this form could NEVER understand, or (b) there is nothing behind this. Thus, rendering life, existence and everything we experience on a day to day basis obsolete. Pointless. Worthless, even.

The second of the two being a little bit hard to swallow for most of us, I would assume. - We have faith in different things because it's how we were raised. There is truth behind most recognized religions, and this comforts us. This is essential to survive, almost. Everyone has some system of beliefs. It doesn't have to be religious or spiritual. They just need their own rules to live by. Religion, as some of my friends have often put it, essentially exists just to suppress what is ultimately chaos.

I will agree to disagree. - Yes, that is true, but is only a product of what is ultimately the bigger picture. I have no proof to back up any of this. That's the best part. And, neither do you. Because if you could prove faith, then it wouldn't be faith.

Somehow I always start writing in this thing. Usually, with no direction. Dammit, I'm so lost. I'm spinning. Spiraling downward. Completely, utterly out of control. - Confused. Mislead. - I need some kind of comfort. - I am not ashamed to admit that a couple months ago I lost someone who meant a lot to me. Someone I think I loved at one point. Maybe, all along. Whatever transpired between us is over now. It doesn't matter who is to blame because we can play that game all fuckin' day but it's not going to turn back any clocks. - Well, what I'm saying here is that, yeah, that relationship meant a lot to me - But, if I could go make things better between us, right this very second, I wouldn't. - It was dysfunctional. It was a distraction for me. All that did was cover my eyes with blinders, so I couldn't see the terror in my peripheral vision. - Quite frankly, there is much better out there that suites my needs, and that will allow me to reach my maximum potential. - Everybody has to fail a couple times in order to succeed. I'm just following the big plan.

I'm very content with myself right now. And by that I mean I'm not at all lonely. My priorities have shifted colossally in the past months. I know who my friends are. I know who my friends are not. I know who good people are, and I know who sick, twisted fucking people are. You're a product of your environment. Look around you.

A product, yes. A replica, no. - You can fight the things you are that you don't want to be. You just gotta recognize them. - I'm learning all this new shit as I go. But all you cock suckers out there who think I'm crazy. Fuck you. You have no idea what I think. To all you shitheads that think I'm an asshole. Good. Fuck you too. Maybe, if you're lucky you might work for me one day.

And on that note, I'm not quite sure what the fuck I just wrote.
I'm gonna start planning this shit out before I write.
Really, that wouldn't help.

This is just filler. This whole thing.
Disregard, disregard, disregard.
Oh my god.

Quick, quick, quick.
Just a quick update.

Just had a few lingering thoughts that I wanted to jot down. My internal ventilation system has been redlining for the last 48 hours and everything is starting to bottleneck. I'm either about to blow the fuck up, or calmly release what needs to be released. Your guess is as good as mine. They didn't build these things with instruction manuals and trouble shooting options back in 1989.

--- --- ---

I just wrote for an hour. Then I deleted it all.
I don't know what compelled me to do this.

I want a text message. I want it to say, "You were right. I'm sorry."
Exactly one week. Starting now.
Swallow your pride.
No one finds out, everyone wins.
Think hard.

As for you -
You will never be respected.
Apparently, that doesn't skip a generation.
I'm embarrassed for you.

How do people like this sleep at night?


I love my new store. I love my new management. I love my new partners.
I'll always miss you, 2505. But, this has to be happening for a reason.
Life is good. But, I still wanna pull the trigger.

Just to make you cry.
Lush.